I’m writing this piece after spending nearly an hour trying to get my 7-month-old to sleep. And then I tucked my almost 5-year old into bed and explained the importance of eating all her food at daycare (because she needs the energy as a growing girl).
It’s now 8:00 p.m., and I have 90 minutes before I head to bed. This 90 minutes isn’t all for me. I still have to fold laundry and straighten up the house. And then I’d like to journal and write out my wins for the day. I’ll be getting the baby’s things ready for tomorrow and probably putting away things I find as I walk around the house.
Becoming a mom of two has been a big adjustment—even more so because of the pandemic. And it’s impacted many parts of my life, from my marriage to my goals.
Parenting in a pandemic
I had a difficult pregnancy during the pandemic. And the first seven months of my youngest’s life have been very sheltered.
It’s only now after both my husband and I have gotten our COVID-19 vaccine that we feel comfortable being around people. We still avoid crowded places and mostly stay home.
I still remember when I became aware that COVID-19 was spreading in the U.S. My daughter and I used to go for daily walks twice a day and then spend the rest of the time playing games and doing arts and crafts. It felt like a full-time job to keep her busy.
Luckily, a spot opened up in a nearby daycare, and we were able to put my daughter into school just as my son turned one month old. What a blessing! It was probably the only way that I’ve been able to manage taking care of my baby during the day.
The rare times when my daughter was sick or we kept her home for holidays or family visits have been tough. It’s nearly impossible to give due attention to both kids at the same time. And it’s been hard to maintain my composure sometimes. You hear about juggling two kids, but especially with a four year age gap, my daughter requires a lot of attention right now. We spend time with her alone and go for daddy-daughter or mommy-daughter dates. We try and do things to make sure she’s included, and sometimes I find myself babying her just so she knows we love her as much as her brother.
Many times, I find myself trying to move on to the next task or activity of our day. But I keep reminding myself to be present and to try and enjoy what’s happening with my children instead of rushing through it. Every stage of parenthood has its ups and downs—not every moment will feel great. But I try to live in the now and enjoy the moments. Time is fleeting, and our children are growing up right before our eyes.
Of course, there are plenty of endearing moments such as seeing them play or laugh together. When that happens, it melts my heart and all seems well in the world. I’m constantly trying to hold onto those moments and remember them when one of the kids is driving me nuts and I’m trying to keep my cool.
Shifting goals and priorities
As I’ve moved from one stage of life to another, my priorities and goals have changed too.
I’m focusing more on my short-term goals for now and putting my bigger, long-term ones on the back burner. I make time to write a bit and create art, for example. But writing a whole book? That will just have to wait.
For now, I’m working on building healthy daily habits (something tangible that I can control). I’m focusing on taking each day as it comes and giving myself grace. I’m also trying to engage in positive self-talk; this really helps me put things in perspective and realize how much I’m doing for myself and others. And I’m trying to be active every day. I include my kids when I can and also make it a point to go for a solo walk every now and then to get out of the constant mommy mode.
Evolving relationships
Beyond my goals and priorities, having another child also impacted my marriage and other relationships.
As much as my husband tried to empathize, he couldn’t truly understand what it was like to be pregnant. So I sometimes felt alone during that time. And the pandemic just added to that feeling with having to go to all of my doctors appointments by myself and not being able to record my ultrasounds.
And over the past 7 months, we prioritized our daughter’s sleep and decided to divide and conquer and sleep in separate rooms. So my husband slept with my daughter, and I slept with the baby. In the past few weeks or so, we’ve tried to change our sleeping arrangements but nothing has really stuck. We’ve tried putting a toddler bed next to the crib and getting our daughter to transition to sleeping in her own bed.
My husband and I are on a journey of coming back to each other. I feel that all of these trials and tribulations of parenthood make you fight, but in the end, they also make you stronger because you’re going through this journey of life together. While there were tough moments, I’m so grateful that my husband has stood by me every step of the way. Going through so many challenges together made me realize that we make a great team, and I’m so glad I can lean on him during this big life transition.
It’s important to sit down and make time to speak to each other, about everyday things and about deep profound things as well. And just to check in emotionally and make sure your partner is doing okay (and vice versa).
My other relationships have changed as well. The relationship with our families has become stronger. I’ve always believed that children are like glue and bring people together. And that’s exactly what happened when we had our second child. The grandparents see my kids via video chat daily. They play games and make faces and chit chat. Their relationship has continued to grow, and I’m so glad.
And I’ll forever be grateful that our moms came to help us before and after delivery. Despite living far away and COVID-19 travel restrictions, they were there for us during our time of need. It’s so important to ask for and also accept help. This doesn’t come easily to us moms as we’re used to wearing many hats at once and often put others’ needs before ours. But it truly does take a village to raise a child.
In terms of friendships, having two kids helped us connect with other parents of two and feel like part of the clan with our neighbours. That being said, I’ve felt pulled in multiple directions at times. I’m not always able to focus on conversations because my attention is mainly on my kids.
But with our neighbours, we’re all going through the same things, and we all watch each other’s kids. This group of friends has become like our family here, and I’m very grateful. It makes parenthood more bearable knowing that there are people there to support you.
Moving through life transitions
When I became a mom for the first time, everything was new and exciting. Don’t get me wrong—it was hard as well. But something about now having two young ones vying for your attention and hanging on to your every word makes mothering extra tough. (Of course, fathers and partners play a huge role in raising children as well. But mothers carry most of the mental load.)
What helped me manage the transition from one to two kids (and all the other changes in my life) has been having a self-care routine.
I’ve been journaling and crafting for over a decade. And I’ve been reading and finding solace in it since I learned to read for the first time around age 5. Nowadays, I have a sort of mini routine that I do throughout the day. It includes journaling, walking, exercising, drinking tea, reading, stretching and having some quiet alone time when I don’t have to be in mom mode.
I also post inspirational mental health-related quotes on my social media. People like them, and every so often, I’ll get a heartfelt comment that a person really needed to hear what I posted. And guess what—I really need to hear those things often too. Sometimes, I find myself on my own Facebook feed going through old posts and finding comfort and calm in those words.
Two and through
Having two kids so far has been a blessing. But I know that I’m done now. I’m very happy with two kids and honestly, I wouldn’t have the energy to take care of a third!
And I’m done with the baby phase. Having children is a blessing and a great joy, but it’s also a lot of work. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And know that no matter what phase of life you’re in, and no matter how young or old your children are, they are your responsibility for life!
If you’re debating whether or not to have a second child, know that your life can be beautiful with just one. Or more.
You don’t need a second child to “complete your family” or need a boy and a girl to make an idealized version of the nuclear family. I was happy before, and I’m happy now. I’m just going a bit gaga over being a boy mom now (while still losing my mind!).
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