Conflict is a natural part of life and communication. The key is to navigate it as painlessly and effectively as possible. Practicing the art of fighting fairly allows for happier relationships and families.
When conflicts are constructive, they can feel comfortable and safe — or at the very least, bearable. We feel heard and understood, issues get resolved cooperatively, and we’re able to move past them.
When conflicts become destructive, there can be a range of stressful or even traumatic outcomes. Like resentments, passive-aggressiveness, avoidance, insults, stonewalling, shouting, name-calling, rejection, and violence. It’s no wonder why the mere hint of conflict is often met with fear or anxiety. The good news is that there are steps you can take to prevent your differences from spiraling out of control or becoming destructive.
Some common areas of strife for couples include finances, kids, sex, in-laws, respect, and cohabiting. You each bring different personalities and upbringings into the relationship, so naturally, there will be times where your wants and needs clash. Regardless of what you’re upset with each other about, how you address it is essential towards building a satisfying relationship and a healthy environment for your kids. How you were raised or taught to manage conflict doesn’t have to stay that way for you or your family. Every generation has an opportunity to change the patterns they grew up with and the habits they pass on to their kids.
I am often asked by clients about how to improve or recover from destructive conflicts. Here are some examples:
“Should fights and arguments always stay behind closed doors?”
Pro tip:
A good rule of thumb is that if a disagreement is calm and constructive (and age appropriate!), it can be beneficial for most kids to hear. They learn that conflicts exist and aren’t scary. And that emotional regulation is possible. Observing constructive conflict can give kids useful tools and skills, too. Like how to express their own feelings, set healthy boundaries, and apologize properly. Learning how to disagree from a young age can increase self-esteem, confidence, creative thinking, and better judgment. As a parent, you are their first role model. The way they manage frustrations at school, with friends, coworkers, and their own spouse one day all is shaped by what they see at home now.
There was never any fighting in my house growing up. So why am I terrified of conflict?”
Pro tip:
It’s a common myth that it’s best to shield kids from all conflicts for them to grow up secure and confident. Quite the opposite actually! Protect them from anything destructive by all means. Perhaps that was the intention of your parents. But if we don’t see disagreements handled constructively, we can grow up struggling to work out issues as adults. Which can lead to feeling terrified, freezing up, shutting down, or avoiding conflict at any
“Our fights escalate so fast that our kids have heard us a lot. How do we fix that?”
Pro tip:
This requires a two-part solution: learning to de-escalate and tending to the impact on your children.
If fighting tends to run hot or gets destructive, it’s essential for parents to seek new ways to manage their emotions. Understanding how to stay in control of your emotions and impulses are a key part of learning how to solve conflict constructively. Practicing mindfulness, taking time outs, using self-help workbooks, and trying somatic or cognitive-behavioral therapy can help.
Until parents learn to disagree constructively, it’s best to address heated topics after the kids are asleep or not home. You may have already noticed the impact if you haven’t done that. Perhaps your kids are withdrawing, displaying anxiety or depression, having tantrums, rebelling, or struggling at school. Talk to each child about what they have seen or heard and explain that the fights are not their fault. Offer reassurances that you realize what you are doing is not what you want them to do so you plan to improve how you communicate. Create a healing environment while you take the steps towards constructive communication.
Tips for fighting fair
So how do conflicts stay constructive? Try these strategies with your partner:
Keep emotions in check: Step into the conflict with a determined mindset of remaining calm and focused. If you feel either of you are getting heated or overwhelmed, step out of it with a time out and start again later. Remind yourselves that the goal is to not just resolve the conflict, but to make it as painless as possible.
Use “I” language: Explain your own feelings and needs instead of using language that may make your partner feel attacked or defensive. Express frustrations with “I feel…”, “It would be helpful to me if…”, “I’m having a hard time with…” rather than “You didn’t…”, “You’re so….”, “Why can’t you…”, or “You said you’d…”.
Avoid all-or-nothing language: Using words like “always” and “never” implies that your partner is incapable of changing or doing things right. Encourage each other to keep language specific instead of making sweeping generalizations.
Use kind language: Name calling, cursing, insulting, blaming, and criticizing are harmful and abusive in relationships. They are the opposites of kind language. Speaking to one another in those ways can often guarantee a blow-up. If you feel so angry that you’re tempted to lash out, take a break and regroup. Holding yourself to a standard you can feel proud of and not regretful about can help.
Stay on topic: When irritations pile up, it’s easy to bring them all up at once. You’ve probably already noticed that hasn’t worked to getting you the outcome you want. When a second or third thing gets brought up, gently remind yourself and each other to stay with the first topic. Have a notepad and write the other topics down to jog your memory later for issues you need to discuss.
Practice active listening: It’s common to start forming a response before your loved one is even done talking. Doing so can lead to missing the points, interrupting each other, and feeling unheard. If this happens, bring your attention back. Mirror back to each other what you heard to ensure you’re both capturing it accurately. Before answering the point, first reply with “So what I heard you say was…”.
Focus on solutions vs. problems: Once the problems have been stated, direct the talk into figuring out where to go from there. Harping on the problems keeps couples stuck in a loop while focusing on solutions helps move things forward.
Much as many of us wish we could avoid conflict, it happens. But it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. Using the tips above can help us resolve conflict constructively which can help build stronger family relationships.
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