My daughter fell sick for the second time in a span of three weeks. She needed even stronger medication this time to cure an infection that had persisted. We had already done a full ten-day dose of antibiotics. Giving medication three times a day to a 2-year-old is no joke. They squirm, they cry, you yell, and on it goes. And this time around, I could feel the anger rising within me and felt powerless to stop it.
I’d like to say that I have endless patience – I can spend hours on my art projects. But children, they know just how to push your buttons (just like your spouse or significant other)! So there I was, taking out my anger at my daughter for refusing to take her meds and causing a fuss. This happened two days in a row. On the second afternoon, I felt just terrible about my behavior. I asked myself if this incident would matter in five years and decided that yes, it would. My relationship with my toddler can be a strong one, and I needed to spend some time thinking about what happened and have a plan of action for the future. Feelings of guilt and regret started creeping up, and I had a hard time moving on and forgiving myself. It clearly was not a mom win.
Staying cool the next time (and there will be a next time!)
As a mom, you’ve probably also had moments when you’ve lost your cool and felt guilty afterward. What I learned from my experience may help you too.
Next time, I could try several things in the heat of the moment. For example, when I feel my temper rising, I can walk away (after making sure my child is in a safe place), take deep breaths and remind myself to “be here now”, or simply give in to my child, if the situation allows. Blowing bubbles with my child can also help both of us to take some deep breaths and calm down. Other techniques like hugging my child, forcing a smile, or washing my face with cold water can be helpful in quickly changing my emotions or calming down. Or I can try a mantra, such as “This too will pass.”
In the future, I’ll be sure to remind myself that because my little one is not feeling well, she is more clingy, whinier, and harder to parent. The fact is, most of us are not that fun to be around when we are sick enough to need medications. Remembering this will help remind me to have compassion for myself and my child.
I can also take preventive measures to better manage my overall stress level, irritability, and temper, such as:
- Getting enough sleep at night. According to Healthline, how much sleep you need depends on several factors, such as genetics, age, and how well you sleep at night. When children are sick, we may not be able to get enough rest at night. But for most adults, seven to nine hours per night is ideal. I often wear an eye mask to bed, and it works wonders in calming me down and helping me to stay asleep.
- Spending time on mom self-care activities that are fun and relaxing. I personally love meditative activities such as making intricate and colorful crochet blankets and paper art designs. Sometimes it’s just ten minutes here and there, but it still adds up and gives me a sense of space and time for myself during my busy day. Another mom I know makes jewelry in her spare time. The key is to find what relaxes and recharges you — and treat it like a necessity, not a luxury.
- Creating a mental checklist of what to do when I feel myself getting upset. Beyond the tips mentioned above to practice in the heat of the moment, I can also ask myself questions such as:
- What is making me angry at this moment? (It can help to remember that getting upset with my child in the moment only brings short-term relief. In the long-term, it’s generally ineffective, will make me feel guilt or regret, and may hurt our relationship.)
- Is there an easy way to resolve this situation?
- What would my partner/mother/friend do if they were here?
- Making time for activities that can help me release pent-up stress and anger, such as exercising, meditating, or getting creative. I personally love to do daily yoga, go for walks, and use affirmations and visualization.
- Understanding what triggered me in the first place and find healthier ways of dealing with those triggers. Once I know what triggers me, I can create a plan to manage those triggers. When I look back at the times I lost my cool, I find that feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted is often at the root of my frustration. Your triggers could be different, such as a lack of support from your partner or family, money worries, work worries, etc.
- Knowing (and respecting) my limits. When I’m feeling stressed, I can skip things that make me feel even more stressed (such as doing that third load of laundry) and choose an activity that relaxes me instead, such as going for a walk.
- Picking my battles. While it’s important to make sure my child is safe and healthy, it’s unnecessary to fight her on everything she wants to do. If she wants to wear striped pants with that polka dot shirt, why not let her? If she wants to buy chocolate-covered pretzels, why not give in from time to time to avoid a meltdown in a crowded grocery store?
- Sharing my experience with trusted friends. On those days when I do lose my cool, it really helps to share with other moms who can relate and won’t judge. Thankfully, technology makes this pretty easy. To expand your mom circle, try joining a supportive Facebook group for moms (such as Mother’s Day Magazine readers) or a Meetup group in your area.
- Using technology for mindfulness. There are some great apps, such as Headspace and Calm, that can help to manage stress through mindfulness. They can remind us to use breathing techniques for as little as two minutes to help us calm down. Using these techniques when we’re irritable or frustrated can help us stay patient and prevent our anger from boiling over. If you’re looking for totally free guided mindfulness exercises, check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion site and UCLA’s Mindfulness Awareness Research Center. (Headspace and Calm also offer free content, but it’s limited.)
Being in the right state of mind can help you approach a tough situation with your child in a more calm, rational way. Think of it also as an opportunity to model healthier behavior for your child.
When you lose your patience
It’s normal to lose your cool from time to time, and it doesn’t make you a bad mom. (Or your child a bad kid.) After all, we’re all doing the best we can to raise good humans — but we’re not perfect; we’re human, ourselves. Instead of beating yourself up, focus your energy on forgiving yourself and what you can do differently next time. Remember, this is a chance to model healthier behavior for your child.
To make amends with your child, open the lines of communication about what happened. Post-blow up, consider when would be a good time to speak to your child. Apologize to your child for losing your temper, explain why you became upset, and also what you will do better next time to manage your anger. Be sure to keep the discussion short as children often can’t absorb long explanations or discussions. Reassure your child that you love her and will be there for her in her time of need. (Remember, if you ever have thoughts of hurting your child or yourself, talk to a doctor or therapist right away.)
Kids, not mini-adults
Keep in mind that your child is observing you closely. In the days since this incident, my daughter has raised her voice at me a few times. She’s just modeling the behavior she saw earlier this week from me.
Remember, your children are still growing. Just as we are learning to better manage our emotions, they are too. After all, children aren’t mini-adults. Toddlers, for example, have very little self-control and aren’t rational thinkers. Understanding what our kids are developmentally capable of can help us keep our expectations of them realistic. Sometimes, if my young daughter is having a meltdown or starts crying because she’s having trouble expressing herself, I reach down, give her a big hug and tell her it’s okay. Expressing empathy for why your child may be upset or validating her emotion can sometimes help to calm her down.
It may help to remind yourself that your kids aren’t intentionally trying to get under your skin. Whether they are trying to unravel the toilet paper or refusing to get dressed for preschool, they are just exploring, trying to make sense of a new world, and asserting their budding independence (but limited ability to communicate and reason).
Reviewed by Rupa Zimmermann, Ph.D.
Articles are for informational and self-help purposes only. They should not be treated as a substitute for psychological, behavioral health, medical, financial, relationship, or career advice or as a substitute for consultation with a qualified professional. Nothing in any Article is intended as a recommendation or endorsement of any products, services, healthcare provider, opinions or other information that may be mentioned in our Services.