As a non-crafty, goal-oriented mom of five kids, I struggled with mom guilt for years. Mom guilt is that draining, unhappy feeling that lurks in the back of our minds, telling us that we aren’t measuring up as a mom.
I kept a running list in my mind of all the things I thought I should be doing:
“I should never raise my voice at my children.”
“I should feed my kids only organic foods.”
“If I was a good mom, I would not be on my phone so much.”
“I should enjoy crafting with my kids.”
“I should host a Pinterest-worthy birthday party for each of my kids every year.”
“If I was a good mom, I would spend less time working.”
“I should spend more time reading to my kids.”
Do any of these sound familiar to you, mama? These negative, guilt-inducing thoughts ruled my life for a decade. And it was incredibly exhausting.
While some may think that guilt can prompt us to change our behavior for the better, writer Maya Khamala said the following about guilt being a pointless emotion: “No matter what the source, guilt can become a constraining emotional backdrop, coloring everything we do…While it may feel like guilt is an important reminder of our responsibilities, in reality, it’s accomplishing just the opposite—it’s a dead weight that keeps us from stepping into our full power and potential.”
I don’t want you to miss out on your power and potential due to feelings of guilt anymore, mama! Over the past few years, I have adopted five simple practices below—reviewed by Marriage and Family Therapist Shalini Mongia, LMFT—that have helped me overcome mom guilt and may help you as well.
- Create easy wins early in the day
The first thing I do every morning is make my bed. Completing one small task right away brings a quick, easy win to your morning. No matter what happens for the rest of the day—no matter how far behind you may get with the laundry or whether the new recipe for dinner turns out—you will know that you did at least one productive thing. And when you (finally!) crawl into your made bed, you will be reminded of your accomplishment.
Another quick win in the morning is getting dressed. Now, I know how easy it is to stay in those pajamas, but believe me, taking two minutes to pull on a clean pair of pants (leggings will do!) and a top can make a hugely positive impact on your day.
- Keep a “Done List”
If you’re a list-making mama, you’ll love this one! When you make your to-do list, make a “Done List” too.
Simply write down some positive things you’ve recently done. Maybe you laughed with your daughter as you read her new Fancy Nancy book together or you made some playdough for your kids. Maybe you finished decluttering your kitchen drawers or cleaned the bathroom. If you folded the laundry, write that down too. You will begin to see these seemingly small tasks as the real accomplishments that they are.
- Change your inner dialogue
What do you think when you see yourself in the mirror? What words come to mind?
My guess is that your inner dialogue isn’t overwhelmingly encouraging, or that it may be full of thoughts about what you should or could be doing to be better as a mom.
If that is the case, I highly recommend that you develop a list of characteristics you value about yourself. You can write these things down or ask those closest to you to help you identify your strengths. (I felt so awkward doing this initially, but the benefits to me were big enough that I encourage every woman to try it!) When negative thoughts come to your mind, quickly refocus on one of your strengths instead. Try taping your list to the mirror where you can see it every day.
Learning to identify negative thoughts and replacing them with uplifting reminders has made a huge impact on how I handle mom guilt. It stops the negativity before it seeps into my mind and makes me feel less stressed. Shalini Mongia with Alamo Counseling explains why. “Freeing our minds of self-imposed guilt, shame, or criticism can actually increase motivation and energy,” she says. “People often think that accountability requires reprimanding one’s self to ensure compliance and discipline. But motivating with guilt and shame actually creates a demoralizing, uphill battle. Instead, acknowledging our accomplishments throughout the day can leave us feeling more energized and much more motivated. Practice accessing your inner cheerleader instead of your inner critic to help you meet your goals and notice the difference!”
- Avoid comparing yourself to other moms
Theodore Roosevelt once called comparison the thief of joy, and I couldn’t agree more, especially in regards to motherhood.
It’s easy to compare our perception of other moms’ lives in real life and on social media with our own reality. But it’s so important to realize that we never truly know what another mom may be going through or the inadequacies she may see in herself. Motherhood can be a very vulnerable experience, and it’s important to recognize that every mom has her struggles. Shalini Mongia agrees. “People who only share perfect or idealized parts of their lives might privately be dealing with painful internal or external judgments. Comparing life to anyone else’s when we aren’t privy to the whole picture, allows for only a skewed, one-dimensional perception and can incite insecurities.”
So, remember that motherhood is not a competition, mama. When I find myself getting into a comparison mindset, it’s often helpful to take a break from social media or competitive people. I also recommend writing a short list of things you’re grateful for on a regular basis. (It complements your Done List and can be written at the same time!)
- Let go of perfection
While this may be obvious, I’ll say it anyway: It’s simply unrealistic to expect yourself to be a perfect mother. It’s time to release that expectation. Take a moment, breathe deep, and wish that vision well as you let it go! “If you find this challenging to do, seek support to help you understand any underlying reasons,” says Shalini Mongia. “Very often, perfectionism can be difficult to simply stop on one’s own.
In light of the current global pandemic, our stress levels may be growing faster than toilet paper is flying off store shelves. It’s okay to start small and just implement one or two of these tips. As tough as these days may be, taking action to overcome mom guilt and reduce pressure on ourselves is well worth our precious mental energy.
Clinically reviewed by Shalini Mongia, LMFT, April, 2020
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