We chat with author Jenny True about her new book, You Look Tired—a laugh-out-loud funny, relatable look at pregnancy and new motherhood.
How did this book come about?
When I was 39, I found myself single and living by myself in a one-bedroom apartment in Deep East Oakland. I was really happy: Not having to compromise with anyone is one of the greatest, and for some the most fleeting, of joys. On the other hand, I’d always thought kids would just kind of happen, and they didn’t! I started panicking, and I started blogging about my horrible OKCupid dates, wherein I’d try to enmesh various men into getting me pregnant. After a couple of months, I tricked a really good one, my partner “SJ,” or Strong Jawline. Six months after we met, we got me pregnant. A few months later, we got married. Then I moved into his house, and in July of 2017, I had our son.
I kept blogging, and when my son was three months old, I wrote a post that went viral. Romper reached out, and I pitched them an advice column. They said yes! Then, after a year and a half, I began working on a book proposal—through Romper, I had a larger platform and wanted to capitalize on that before they came to their senses and fired me. I had connected with an agent a few years earlier, and when I was done I sent the proposal to her. She’d had a baby since the last time we’d met, and my proposal made her laugh, so she took me on. That was in November or December of 2019. In April of 2020, I signed with Running Press/Hachette.
Someone asked me if it was easy to get my book published. In some ways, it seems like that, because the one agent I sent my proposal to took it right away, and a few months later, three out of 11 publishers made offers. But I’m 44. I’m standing on a lifetime of writing and revising and teaching and submitting and rejection, and I finally tried something new, and this book is what stuck. I think of that quote that’s something like, “It takes a long time to become an overnight success.”
I wanted to write an advice book for pregnant people and new parents who don’t want any more advice—who just want to laugh and be seen for the struggle, and to feel represented by a diversity of voices: single-parent, adoptive-parent, queer, disabled, BIPOC. There aren’t any mass market books like that out there.
What was it like to write a book during a pandemic while juggling motherhood and work?
I wasn’t very funny when I was writing. It was kind of a dark time, to be honest: The lockdowns had started, our kids were at home, I still had my full-time job, my partner was still working, too, and now I had this incredibly short deadline—six months—to write a book. I would get up at 6 a.m. every morning, write until 9 while my partner took care of our kids, work 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., and then slide into dinner, bath time, and bedtime, which was no kind of relief. It was hard to keep my sense of humor and remind myself HELLO THIS IS MY DREAM COME TRUE.
On the other hand, the fact that I didn’t have a whole lot of time meant I was going with a lot of “first grit” ideas, which writers know are often the ones that sparkle most. And I was working from a very keenly thought-out framework from the proposal. And I always read everything to my partner. If he laughed, I was golden.
In the book, you touch on how many comments directed at moms are unhelpful—e.g., “You look tired.” What was the most helpful comment or piece of advice someone gave you during the early years?
The best piece of advice I got was the one I wouldn’t take: Let people come over and hold your baby so you can sleep. If I had a second child, I wouldn’t schedule a Meal Train, or I wouldn’t only schedule a Meal Train: I would schedule a time each day when someone would come over and hold my baby so I could sleep. I was so wrought with postpartum anxiety and everything that comes with being a new parent that I overlooked care of myself. Also, I live in a society that overlooks care for new parents and doesn’t provide it, so it’s no surprise I was a hot mess.
When it comes to self-care, you talk about how American society doesn’t support pregnant people and new parents while making them think that self-care is “not only their responsibility but also within their power.” With that said, how can moms ensure their well-being isn’t neglected?
“Instead of telling moms what to do for themselves, we need to be telling non-moms what to do for moms.”
– Author Jenny True
Moms can’t—that’s the point. Instead of telling moms what to do for themselves, we need to be telling non-moms what to do for moms. Since a support system doesn’t exist in the U.S., moms are put in the position of constantly advocating for themselves, which may or may not work, and that also can work against us, as it’s exhausting. I will never be the one to add to the advice to new moms on how to take care of themselves. I will always be the one to say, “This s—t right here? This post-baby life? It’s real, and it’s not your fault.”
You provide an honest (and funny!) look at motherhood. How did you find the courage to talk about certain things so openly—from postpartum anxiety to chin hairs?
For many people, privacy is how they protect themselves. For me, making myself vulnerable over and over is how I protect myself—I need to feel heard and seen, and nothing matters more to me than the ugly truth. But especially when it comes to pregnancy and new parenthood, the secrecy around what it’s really like hurts us. People are made to feel as if they’re crazy and alone, when everything that’s happening to our bodies and brains and in our lives has happened before—in fact, is happening all around us all the time. For example, I had a breastfeeding condition called dysphoric milk ejection reflex, or DMER, and no one told me about it, so I had to first figure out that something was wrong and then look it up on the internet. Come to find out, it’s not a rare condition—it’s common enough that my lactation consultant had heard of it, and there’s a Facebook support group. But because I’d never heard of it, I could have quit breastfeeding, since that was the root of the problem, which may have had ramifications both for my bonding with my kid and his health (no shade on formula feeding, by choice or otherwise, but as someone capable of breastfeeding, I wanted my kid to have the benefits). If someone had just told me the truth, I would have had an easier time of it.
One of the things you touch on is other people having so many opinions on how you should be raising your child. And as a parent, we often think, “Am I doing this right?” What has helped you feel more confident in your parenting choices?
Oh, god. Nothing! I thought I was doing things “right” by picking up some cues from attachment parenting and RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), and now my kid is going through a phase of hitting me and screaming and resisting everything, and word on the street is this is a common transition at this age from attachment parenting. Did I screw him up? Am I screwing him up now by screaming back when he screams? He certainly seems like he’s distressed a lot of the time. I continue to do what I think is right according to my values, but I can’t say that confidence is a part of the decision.
CBD gummies help me (but this choice does not come with confidence: If he knows Mommy uses CBD gummies, will he become a narc and teach DARE in public schools?).
Let’s talk about how social media perpetuates the myth of the perfect mommy—what do you want moms to remember as they are scrolling through their Instagram feed?
That Instagram is a place for motherf——s to lie.
Where can readers buy your book?
I ask that readers first go to their local indies. If the store doesn’t carry it, the store might be able to order it, and readers can ask if the bookstore would consider carrying it. Otherwise, please support independent bookstores by ordering through Bookshop.org, or you can get it from Barnes & Noble nationwide as well as Amazon, Target, Walmart, Books A Million, and other outlets.
Can you share a little bit about what you’re working on next?
My plan is to write a funny book about menopause called You Look Hot, but I haven’t gone through menopause yet, so that’s on hold. Mostly I’m looking forward to recommitting to my pregnancy and parenting column for Romper as well as the Jenny True blog, which is my joy and has brought me so far. Also, I’m marketing the crap out of this book. Readers can follow me on Instagram and Facebook!
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