My name is Jo. I am a mother, and I am an introvert. Sometimes, coming out as an introvert feels like a confession, and I must admit up until a few years ago, I largely kept it to myself. I think many introverts do the same—we put our needs on mute and try to fit in with the extrovert world but often end up feeling overwhelmed, awkward, or like there is something wrong with us.
However, being an introvert does have a huge impact on my life and my parenting, which is why I think it is important to talk about it more openly. I love how I can tune in to my child and quietly notice the subtleties, but I can also crash and burn when I don’t get enough time to recharge alone. I know if I ignore my introvert needs, it can take its toll.
It really helped me to understand the science behind my introverted nature. There is a biological basis to explain my craving for peace and solitude. As an introvert, my brain has a higher sensitivity to dopamine which means that I get easily overstimulated by things like noise, mess, crowds, bright lights, and lots of chatter. This explains why I can feel so drained after a busy day and need to lie down in order to recharge!
PET scans conducted by Dr. Debra Johnson and her team at the University of Iowa show that in introverted brains, blood flows through longer complex pathways to areas associated with planning and processing. This means that I need time to absorb information and reflect before responding. Otherwise, competing demands, interruptions, and multi-tasking can saturate my introvert brain.
Family life, of course, brings a lot of demands, interruptions, and sensory overload—mothers in particular are expected to be multi-tasking machines. However, I know that if I ignore my introverted needs, I will end up stuck in survival mode and my capacity to parent will get squeezed.
So this is what I have learned about how to balance my needs with the realities of motherhood.
- Acceptance
This is the starting point. As an introvert, acknowledge that you have innate, biological needs and that these are valid. It is important to spot the signals of overstimulation. For example, if you start getting angry easily, lose your patience, yell, snap, or feel withdrawn, see this is a helpful sign—like the orange warning light on your car that fuel is getting low.
When this happens don’t feel bad—there is nothing wrong with you, and it is not your fault. It is simply your nervous system ringing the alarm bell. Listen to the message loud and clear. Give yourself compassion and ask yourself deep down what you need.
- Communicate your needs
Explaining your introvert needs may feel deeply uncomfortable at first, but it can also be liberating. To reduce overwhelm, you may need to set some new boundaries and start saying no more often. This could be saying no to work, domestic load, overscheduling, or expectations from family and friends, etc.
This can be challenging for introverts. From a young age, we probably learned to ignore our needs in order to fit in with the extraverted norms. However, if your default pattern is to people please, “not make a fuss” and just keep spinning the plates, think about what this is really costing you deep down.
- Get clear on your key triggers
Identifying our biggest triggers can minimize some of the major sources of overwhelm. My key triggers include:
- Interruption or two or more people talking to me at once
- Group social events that last more than two hours
- Bright lights
- Overscheduling
- High-grade multi-tasking, e.g. cooking and overseeing homework at the same time
Yours may be different. Once you have identified the biggest triggers, get creative about how to overcome them. For example, I have Golden Rules around scheduling and social events. Everyone knows my brain turns to scrambled eggs if they ask me to do something while I am cooking.
- Carve out solitude
“We tend to view alone time as a luxury we cannot afford, not as a staple that we need.” Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power
Introverts need alone time to recharge. Building solitude into your everyday routine needs to be scheduled in your calendar like an appointment at the doctor if you want to protect it from the tidal wave of family life.
We have family downtime at 5 p.m. every day—my son plays on his iPad or listens to an audiobook. I have my daily dose of solitude where I garden, listen to music, putter around, switch off, and rest (and resist looking at my phone). This practice is key to regulating my nervous system so that I don’t get stuck in survival mode.
We have done this pretty much every day for years now—it is a rarely broken commitment. To make this work, it relies on making it a priority, not overscheduling, and embracing a simpler, slower pace of life.
- Soak in simple pleasures
Slowing down and creating simple, predictable family routines as well as comforting rituals can nourish an introvert’s nervous system and benefit our children too. Things like switching on soft table lamps when the sun goes down, keeping blankets on the sofa for snuggling, listening to relaxing music, enjoying a hot chocolate or popsicle together, having regular family movie nights, or story time.
It is often the simple things that kids love the most—a giggle, a knowing look, a warm smile. These all send safety cues to our children which reduces stress. I have fond childhood memories of playing catch in the garden with my father on the weekend—simple low-key, low-pressure, no talking, just throwing back and forth, soaking in his undivided attention.
Giving children time to slow down and decompress helps regulate their own nervous system as well as ours, which can reduce overwhelm all around.
- Focus on what really matters
My core philosophy that keeps me on track is to pare things down to what really matters. It is easy to get sucked into the busy expectations of daily life—of course, it is—the mental load is real. But I know that what really matters to me is my connection with my son.
So if the day is going sideways, that is what I focus on. Even if it is just for a few minutes, I make sure I block out the noise and focus on connecting—no words necessary, just looking at him and soaking in my child. This helps me reset my overstimulated brain and come out of autopilot.
These days I embrace my introverted nature. I know that it is a gift as a parent. I relish one-on-one time with my son, I enjoy the comfort of our cozy rituals and routines. I can still get overwhelmed sometimes, but I can recognize the signals and know exactly what I need to do. By looking after my own needs, I can embrace my introverted self and show up for my son more authentically as the parent I want to be.
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