First-time moms: you may have been warned to get all the sleep you can before the baby comes. Or that your body will change after pregnancy. But one thing you may not know? Your relationship with your partner also changes after the baby arrives.
The Baby Boss
Especially in the beginning, caring for your baby can leave you low on sleep, time, and energy. As if that isn’t challenging enough, you’re also healing physically—and maybe even emotionally—from delivery.
A few months into parenthood, you may realize you’ve had a five-minute conversation with your partner without actually looking at him. Or that you can’t remember the last time you really kissed. You may even forget to celebrate your anniversary. (It happens.)
The following small (but powerful!) steps can help you re-connect to your partner:
Re-define romance. If receiving gifts has been your “love language”, you may notice that traditional romantic gestures, such as flowers, dining out, and jewelry tend to fade once the baby arrives. But that doesn’t mean romance is dead. Watch for acts of service from your partner. For example, does he change the baby’s diaper when it’s your “turn”? Or leave for work at dawn so he can be home early? Recognizing and appreciating his actions can help you see your partner in a more positive light and make you both feel more satisfied in the relationship.
And speaking of appreciation…
Show it. Between the diaper changes, the feedings, or work, it’s easy to forget to thank your partner. When he does something kind, take a few seconds to say thanks. (He’ll feel good and it may encourage him to keep repeating the action!)
Family snuggle time. Weekdays can be intense between caring for children, working, and commuting. But on a weekend morning, take a few minutes to pile into bed together and snuggle or play before starting the day. You’ll feel more connected to each other and begin the day on the right foot.
Walk together. Try strapping the baby in the stroller and going for a walk with your partner daily. You’ll enjoy both re-connecting with each other and the feel-good endorphins from the exercise.
Stay in touch. Regularly touching your partner takes so little effort or time but benefits your overall health and the health of your relationship. For example, touch can ease stress, reduce pain, and help us feel more satisfied in our relationships. So reach out to your partner, whether it’s a kiss goodnight, a back rub, cuddling, or sex. Weekdays can be hectic, so consider carving out time together on the weekend while baby naps or sleeps at night. Dedicate this time to your partner and step away from the laundry, dishes or some other task.
Put down your phone. In a study of 143 married or cohabiting women, Brigham Young University researchers looked at how technology interferes with relationships (“technoference”). They found that higher levels of technoference were associated with more relationship conflict and less relationship satisfaction. Moreover, higher levels of smartphone and other relationship technoference makes people more depressed and decreases their overall life satisfaction. So, put that phone down, mama!
Hire a post-partum doula. Sleep deprivation can make you and your partner cranky. Consider hiring a doula to help out with the baby. Post-partum doulas can watch the baby while you sleep, feed and diaper her, fold laundry, wash bottles and tackle other household tasks. Some can also offer advice on sleep and other parenting challenges.
Manage visitors. When your baby arrives, a flood of well-wishers will want to see her. But remember that you need time — as a couple and a new family — to adjust. To keep visits from being overwhelming, choose a date and time that’s convenient for you. Tell loved ones that you’re adjusting to parenthood but would welcome a visit at that time.
Start a “Box of Brilliant Ideas.” Cut up a few slips of paper and write down some fun ideas for couple or family time. Ask your partner to do the same. Focus on low-key activities, such as a stay-in popcorn and movie night or exploring a new park. (When your child is a little older, have him or her pick an idea out of the box!)
Try a five-minute act of kindness. Every day, try spending five minutes on a task that your partner typically handles. Change a diaper when it’s your partner’s “turn.” Take out the garbage if your partner typically does that. He’ll be surprised — and grateful.
Don’t forget your partner. We know—there are baby cheeks to kiss and tiny toes to tickle. When so much love is bursting forth for your baby, you may unintentionally neglect your partner. Or you may think he already knows how much you care about him so you don’t need to show it. But when you coo over your baby, take a moment to also acknowledge your partner. He’ll likely notice and appreciate it.
Having a baby affects every part of life. And that includes relationships. Your relationship won’t be the same as it was pre-baby, and it’s normal to feel sad or surprised when it changes. Fortunately, just a few minutes a day can help strengthen your bond.